My Journal

Open my eyes

This is the day that I realized that I needed healing from the inside out.  I thought I was ready to be in a relationship with someone I loved, and still love, but then I knew in my heart right now wasn’t the right time.  After spending many years waiting and going through ups and downs for this commitment and when I finally got it, it just didn’t feel right.  I asked myself over and over again, why am I not happy like I should be?  Why am I feeling like my heart is not into this relationship and am I forcing myself into this? So I had to sit back think and look at my life and see what was going on.  I finally thought and figured out it’s because it wasn’t what I wanted right then.  I felt like it was forced and just given to me under false perceptions.  Something in me was telling me that this man is not the one for me.    I wanted to cry, I wanted to scream, I wanted to believe that my feelings were wrong, but I couldn’t do any of those things I was numb.  I was so numb that it scared me!  No emotions!  What the heck is going on with me? 

As I looked at myself in the mirror and I saw nothing.  It seems like I was just staring at an image that I couldn’t recognize.  Her face look like mine and her body shape was mines, but not that smile, not the look in her eyes it couldn’t be me!!  Damn is all I could say, Damn I tried to cry but no tears would fall there is nothing there.  I am dead inside, I am lost, and I am gone, so far gone, that I do not recognize me.  How did this happen to me?  How long has this feeling been? Have I allowed myself to just accept anything that is given to me?  Deep down inside I know I deserve better, but how can I get better?  What do I need to do to become better? I know I can’t do this anymore!  The pain in my eyes is making me look old and feel old on the inside.  This is not fair; I say this is not fair!!!!! Why???????????

A Plan

As I sit here and listen to Kelly Price song Healing…. OMG this is what I need.  I need to heal my soul from pain, hurt, low self esteem and low confidence level issues within myself.  I tell myself I know I am better than what I see myself being.  I know that I am able to be what I want to be, it’s just doing it. I know I have to change my outlook about myself before I am able to do anything else.  Now I have to make my plans to move forward from this point.  I will no longer allow myself to have these feelings or negative thoughts about myself.  I know I always walk around with a smile on my face and try to encourage others but I forgot about myself.   So I am making myself more important than anyone else because without me loving me no one else can or will.  I have to make sure my children are able to grow up with the confidence and high self-esteem I will have for myself. 

Now, I ask where I go from here?  Well for me I am going to start writing down the things I personally want to work on and find healing for and write my way through it.  Second, if I need to address any issue with anyone, I will.  Third, I am going to start thinking of myself the way I want others to think of me. 

I know I can be found, I know I will be found.  This is my day of taking my life back.  I don’t care if it takes months, years or decades I know that I will find ME and be loved unconditionally.

A Setback Day

Damn today wasn’t a good day for me.  As I progress in my healing process people want to see me fail so bad that they will do whatever to try and hurt me.  I will not allow you to hurt me anymore.  I am done allowing you into my life, I am done allowing you to take me out of my happiness, and I am done with you.  What do you not understand?  You are not even man enough to call me and talk junk but you text me and talk junk.  Your words will not get to me anymore. I will not and cannot allow this negativity around me anymore.  I will do whatever it takes to keep my happiness.  I will still continue on my path of righteousness and healing no matter what you are trying to do.  Really you can kiss my ass!!! 

Guess what BOO!!! You do not have to want me or be with because I want me and I want to be with me.  You have lost all control over me and I am taking me back.  When are you going to realize that?  For a minute you actually had me wondering if I was this bad person, but I know in my heart I am not this mean, uncaring, selfish person you are making me out to be.  I am beautiful, caring, loving, intelligent, motivated, self-confident, and proud, a great mother and so many more!!!!  When you realize that you then will realize what you have lost.  Don’t worry about me just do you!!!



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